2000: The decade begins with the whimper of a dying harp seal

Looking at my trusty 2000 spreadsheet, I'm once again reminded of how inauspiciously the 21st century began, film-wise. If you only had this year to go on, you could make an argument for shutting down Hollywood all together. Shit, Traffic is on my top ten of the year, and I don't even really like that movie. Still, there were one or two truly memorable films from that year, as well as some movies that remain, to this day, stunningly overrated.

Top Five

1. Requiem for a Dream

As a testament to the lameness of 2000, I haven't seen the top film of the year since I saw it in the theater. In the case of Darren Aranosfky's Requiem, though, that's really more of a compliment. Beyond the brutally grim subject matter, the imagery is so vivid and terrible that you can't unsee it, so repeat viewing is really beside the point. It's been nearly a decade since I saw Requiem for a Dream, and when I close my eyes to conjure it, I can still see Ellen Brustyn's carnivorous fridge, Jared Leto's sore-covered arm, and, of course, "ass-to-ass." Film can be the most ephermeral of art forms: film images tend to degrade in your head over time, whereas a piece of music, for example, can haunt your brain for years. Requiem for a Dream is filled with some of the most devastating and indelible pieces of visual poetry, horrible, horrible visual poetry, of the decade.

2. American Psycho

If Mary Harron's American Psycho were just the business card exchange scene, Paul Allen's Huey Lewis-aided death scene, and a bunch of clips from Hee Haw, it would still be among my favorite films of the decade. Thankfully, those gems are surrounded by a bunch more great stuff, starting with Christian Bale's magnificent performance, easily the best of his career. It's hard to believe that the self-important, scowling stiff who glowers his way through blockbuster after blockbuster is the same dude how does that amazing shimmy with the raincoat and ax in this movie. The goofs on 80s superficiality are kind of glib, and the overall theme of Wall Street as a playground for sociopaths seems obvious, but in a country that continues to worship wealth regardless of how it is acquired, and chase status symbols regardless of the cost, American Psycho continues to be trenchant, in addition to being hilarious.

3. Wonder Boys

And now the serious drop off the cliff begins. Wonder Boys is another movie I haven't seen in ages, but have fond memories of, largely due to Michael Douglas's schlubby charisma and a general air of creative paralysis and, eventually, acceptance of limitations and failures, which I tend to respond strongly to in films.

4. O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Not one of my favorite Coen brothers films, but still pretty good, and it holds up very well when half-watched on TV whilst interneting. Highlights: Stephen Root as the blind, crazy radio station manager, the Wizard of Oz Klan rally, "Ah, George, not the livestock!"

5. Traffic

What did I say about this being a crummy year?

Movie so awful that it's amazing: Battlefield Earth. "Before you could even SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being TAUGHT to CONQUER GALAXIES!!!!" Aaaaand, scene! Star wipe to Barry Pepper in a caveman outfit. It almost makes Scientology worthwhile.

Movie so awful it's just...awful: The Ninth Gate. On paper, this should have been fantastic: Johny Depp, Roman Polanski, Satan worshipers, portals to hell...and yet...hot ass on celluloid without the camp delights of a Battlefield Earth. Could have used some Travolta.

"Modern Classic" I just can't get behind: Almost Famous

Oscar-winning, universally beloved movie that actually sucks out loud: Gladiator. Yes, there's nothing better than an action film with incomprehensible action scenes! Don't we put up with enough of that shit from your brother, Ridley?

Brilliantly-rendered shot from a largely-sucky film: the horse dissection from The Cell

Best action scene: final shoot-out from The Way of the Gun. This is mostly a weak-tea Tarantino ripoff, made even more ridiculous by the attempt to make Ryan Phillippe into a badass, but the climactic shoot-out in a Mexican brothel manages to transcend cliche for a few minutes. No music, no slow motion, just a bunch of tubby hired guns awkwardly absorbing shotgun blasts.

Worst failed provocation: the rape scene from Baise-Moi. I'm sure directors Virginie Despentes and Coralie (just Coralie? Really?) thought that showing real penetration during a rape would shock viewers from their comfortable, titillated voyeurism, but it ends highlighting the artificiality of the enterprise and turns the whole movie from that point on into a numbing, alienated series of cheap shocks. Maybe that was supposed to be the point, but if so...who gives a shit?

Comedy sequence that made me laugh until I cried and therefore invalidates any credibility I may have as a film critic: the demon saying "Popeye's chicken is the shizznit" in Little Nicky. I can't defend Little Nicky as a comedy, as a film, as anything other than a painful bag of shitwiches, but that line, said by a snarly hellspawn...it just set me off. I can't explain it, and I certainly can't justify it. All I can say is: comedy is subjective, and I'm not on trial here!

Line of the Year: "You're the man now, dog!"--Finding Forrester