Transformers

There are big, dumb action movies, and then there are Michael Bay action movies. Bay is evil incarnate to most serious cinephiles, as well he should be, but his films are still required viewing for any serious pop culture maven. That's not just because they tend to be blockbusters and become zeitgeist reference points, but because Bay's movies usually reach a pinnacle of delirious, audacious, almost zen stupidity that is absolutely riveting. As I stated in my review of Grindhouse, if I'm going to see some stupid, crazy shit, I want it to be as STUPID and as CRAZY as possible. Most of your generic action film directors, your Dominic Senas, your Antonie Fuquas, your Simon Wests, make big, stupid movies...but usually leave you with a sense of guilt and emptiness, like you wasted your time watching something that stupid and not even being seriously entertained. Michael Bay films usually aren't like that: you leave them shaking your head in wonder, a little giddy from the sheer, vertiginous extravagence on display, insulted by the director's clear lack of respect for your intelligence, but not feeling too much guilt. Bay movies are jaw dropping, and therefore entertaining, even though these "action movies" invariably feature awful action sequences, larded with gratitious slow motion, thunderously overbearing music, and frenetic editing that renders a lot of the action abstract. What makes Bay movies amazing to behold is the shit that Bay is compelled by unknown psychological motivations to include in between (and sometimes during) the joyless action scenes. And what makes Transformers so ass-kickingly fun to watch is that it is THE ur-text of the Michael Bay film. Every crazy, idiosyncratic Bay-ism that inevitable leave a viewer scratching his head is in evdience, and in more concentrated, ludicrious proportions than in any other Michael Bay film. Let's run down some of the hallmarks of the Bay oeuvre and point out how Transformers represents the Platonic ideal of each.

1. Lazy and/or ridiculous plotting. Sure, every Michael Bay movie has a stupid plot (even Pearl Harbor, based on a rather well known historical event, managed to shoe-horn in some stupid-ass shit), but Transformers reaches a height heretofore unknown by man before the opening credits have even started. Optimus Prime, in voiceover, opens the film with the line: "Before time began, there was... the cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them... with life. That is how our race was born." This isn't just stupid and lazy, this is violently, confrontationally stupid and lazy. It drips with contempt for the audience. From the jump, the filmmakers are saying "Hey, all you pituitary retards who shelled out ten bucks a pop to watch computer generated robots beat each other up, if you're too goddamn stupid to display any taste when it comes to moviegoing, why the fuck should we expend any effort setting up a plausible, interesting or fleshed out rationale for this glorified car commercial? You want to see the big toys go boom, do you really care why they're going to go boom? I didn't think so. This shit with the eternal life cube is good enough for the likes of you." I admired the balls (or apathy) of this gambit, and it sent the message right from the start that this is a movie you should feel free to talk during. It also represents the most egregiously sloppy plot device in the Michael Bay canon.

2. Hysterical, screaming black people. Hey, white suburban teen with disposable income! Don't you remember how hilarious that hysterical, screaming black trolley car driver in The Rock was? How about the hysterical, screaming black hobo at the beginning of Armageddon? Well, if you liked those comical nubians, you'll LOVE Bernie Mac screaming hysterically, Anthony Anderson screaming hysterically, Anthony Anderson's cousin screaming hysterically, and, to top it off, Anthony Anderson's big momma screaming hysterically in Transformers. That's FOUR TIMES the hysterical, screaming black people as the usual Michael Bay movie, and that's not even counting the antics of Autobot Jazz, who speaks in circa-1996 ebonics, breakdances, and generally behaves like a CGI Al Jolson.

3. Product Placing. Obviously, this one isn't really a contest. Every a shot of one of the transformers in car form should have been accompanied by a small print disclaimer at the bottom of the screen: "Some features, like AC, satelliete radio, and turning-into-a-giant-robot, are not standard." I was wrong in the above entry, this isn't a glorified car commerical, it's just a car commerical.

4. Shots of people entering and exiting military vehicles in slow motion, accompanied by bombastic muscial cues. Once again, it's a blowout. I wonder how many hours of footage of Jon Voight stumbling out of a helicopter unjustly ended up on the cutting room floor.

5. Non Sequiter speeches about the importance of fighting for freedom. Sure, that oration by the president in Armageddon is an all-time great moment in mindless jingoism. A meteor was going to destroy earth: what the fuck does that have to do with defending American liberty? I will maintain that the dumb-ass freedom speech in Transformers is still dumber and a purer expression of the Michael Bay mindset. Sure, it's only a few lines long, but those lines are spoken by a GIANT INTERGALACTIC TRANSFORMING ROBOT! Case fucking closed.

So, all in all, Transformers features more concentrated Bay-ness per square foot of film than any other movie in history, and the result leaves you feeling drained, headachy, but absolutely entertained...although the less said about the ungodly bad rose garden scene, the better.


Score: 7.3